2013-03-17 || 10:31 a.m.
In your court.
I told myself I wouldn't let this happen again. I told myself she was the last one; she would be the last one to make me feel like that; like this.
There were so many things I didn't say, couldn't say, because conventional society and my goddamn impecable sense of common decency and common sense wouldn't let me.
So we tiptoed around it and whispered things into one another's ears over the internets. Pretended it was ok and that this was just how it had to be.
And now I'm feeling like this and she's disappearing and it's going to hurt way more, so much more, than it should, and this is just the way it's supposed to be???
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Without ever having touched; without ever having looked into one another's eyes; without ever having spoken a single word to one antoher; I fell in love with YOU. Your words; your heart; your soul; your being; you. And that sort of shit doesn't happen often enough anymore, if you ask me.
People fall in love with an image or a shell of another. They fall in love with what they are told is beautiful and what someone else has built up in place of themselves. It happens far too often and it's so easy to get caught up in that routine that when something, someone, truly beautiful and and amazing comes by radiating near perfection from the inside out, you look right past it, because you've forgotten how to recognize it; how to see it.
But I haven't forgot. I recognoze it. I see it. In you.
Ours is a complicated situation, but it is far from an impossible one. It will take a little time, but like you said to me, you are findable. And if I ever need to, I will go the distance and try.
5 years is an awful long time to hold on to something and not share it with anyone. So thank you for sharing. I know that probably wasn't an easy thing to confess.
When the time is right, when the time is exact, I will walk right up to you, face to face, and then the ball will be in your court, beautiful.